Friday, June 22, 2018

A Letter: Way Behind and Excuses

Dear Readers,

It's the beginning of summer, and in spite of my best intentions, I am not doing so well with my "get-in-shape plan" that I outlined at the beginning of the year.

Granted, I was still pregnant and highly optimistic, I guess?

My postpartum fitness journey has had a bunch of ups and downs, mostly downs.  When the baby was about 8 weeks old, I started tracking my intake again, but that didn't last very long.  I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and just wanted to eat my carbs (my sleep replacement) in peace. 

I had been doing some light workouts in the house during the day.  Luckily, this baby was pretty chill and would let me work out while she watched.  I think I managed 4-5 sessions a week at one point.  In April, I did my first run and ran a total of ONE mile that month.  This was liberating since I was still having pelvic floor weakness that was finally starting to improve at that time.  In May, I ran 12 miles in total, which is actually quite a feat considering they were roughly done in one-mile chunks.  Time and energy constraints kept me from running further.

Now it's June, and I've had a really bad month so far.  I started a 100-squat per day challenge and lasted only a week because I developed a double ear infection, which is pretty much the worst thing ever.  Having given birth recently, I'd say the pain is quite up there and comparable.  Except this time, I still had full time baby duty as well and often had to wrangle two kids while it felt like someone was kicking me in the head every five seconds.  I think I have so far managed to run once, and I haven't really been getting "other" exercise since I started kind of working again and haven't been taking the baby out for walks or anything like that.  I haven't even been walking the older kid to school since I need to drive to work now and time constraints. 

Also, I've reached a point where all these 5/6 hour broken sleep nights are starting to take their toll.  I try to nap everyday, but this hasn't helped.  Sleep is just one of those things you cannot get back.  Seemingly ever.  Before my second pregnancy, although I had been sleeping through the night for over a year after the older kid did, I rarely ever woke up a minute earlier than I had to, which is one reason why running has never quite came back into my life the way I had imagined. 

I've pretty much made zero progress since the early postpartum days when it comes to weight loss, so I still have about 10 lbs to go and probably look as terrible as I feel.  I know I should just lower my expectations, but it's hard.  I can't help but feel sorry for myself when I'm wearing the same nursing outfits everyday, feeling trapped, and even as my beloved Pokémon Go game, one of my last remaining leisure activities, introduced a social aspect, I have been able to see how far I've fallen behind in the game as of late. 

Having been through this before, I know it isn't permanent, but it is just tough for me to drudge through.  I know that the kids should be and remain my top priority, of course, but I'm still struggling here.

Fat and Tired Millennial with Mild FOMO