I had not been to that expo in a couple of years, and since neither of us are doing much running these days, expos in general haven't been something I've seen a lot of since 2014 or so. I didn't go through all of my thoughts in the video. Yesterday was the race, and since I spent the day with Tuesday (our son), I had more time to think about what I was missing. I would have normally said "dwell" rather than "think," but it really was more of a "think" than "dwell."
I used to be SO bothered when I couldn't do a race, for any reason. Standing on the sidelines felt like I was giving up, which seems so, so ridiculous to me now that I'm a month away from turning 32 and feeling like I'm 62. I wish I didn't spend all those active racing years beating myself up for not finishing races at goal, as it was just amazing to get out there in the first place. People used to tell me this all the time; I did not understand until now.
This is not to say that I couldn't just pick up and start actively racing again. I'm pretty sure a couple of months of discipline could get me back in the saddle, at least for the most part. It's like riding a bike, right? I've been having more temperamental knees in the times I did try to run (I trained for a half last year) after pregnancy. The "a couple of months" thing seems daunting, but if I just say, I'm going to try to run a few times each week, I still ask myself, "I will?!"
So then I tell myself that I will run a couple of times THIS week. Well, it's Monday, and I woke up feeling like I needed another cycle of sleep, and I pretty much resigned and did a barre workout instead.
The bottom line is, I'm not there yet, and because I'm not there yet, I don't feel bad or sad that I wasn't out running one of my most sentimental races. LA Marathon was my first marathon and the only marathon I did with siblings and appeared briefly on TV (reading that linked blog post again seeing that they used to start the race SO late in warm LA March made me raise an eyebrow). I will always feel a connection to this race, even if I'm not running it, in the same way that I feel a connection to living in the LA area in general.
I don't know what the future holds for me when it comes to racing. I'm not sure if those people who did a bunch around the time that I was still feel that "magic" or not. I can see participation numbers are still high, so it is probably there, and I just need to get myself back out there to see it for myself.