Friday, July 2, 2010

Falling Out of Love

Blog About Life.

I have been blogging here a lot more lately. A part of the reason is that it is summer, and due to my dissertation chair taking her sweet time providing feedback while in Turkey (she's off-contract, so she is actually doing me a service by agreeing to work with me over the summer), I haven't been doing much work on that front.

Over the past month or so, also, salsa classes have been on hiatus. I take salsa on Wednesday evenings and sometimes Saturday afternoons. After six months of this, it's losing its fun-factor. I will still be going to class, but I will probably miss the first class next week because I don't want to spend 90 minutes doing the basic step over and over again!

Thirdly, I've been motivated by reader comments, followers, and hits that I've been getting. I know I'm not one of those top health/fitness bloggers, but I already have a full-time job and the rest of my life divided in between my family, my love, my friends, and my own self-development. Plus, I know I am nowhere near perfect or ideal when it comes to personality or health habits. So I am happy with whatever readership I can get.

But truly, blogging provides some sort of substance to time that I am not really happy with my work or my life in general.

The Set-Up.

Not too long ago, I told my mom that I might take a little longer on my PhD than expected. And I also told her what I have been telling some of my close friends -- I don't want to continue with school sometimes. All the hardship of not having a stable job and still having to plow through school is what I was trying to avoid by continuing school in the first place. Sometimes, I think I would have been better off had I stopped after my bachelor's.

And then there's my sentiment that I chose the wrong field. Given that I'm geared toward Human Resources and how often HR work is contracted out, how can I expect to find a stable job that still has the work-life balance that I truly desire? Fortunately, I have worked around long enough to be good at other things besides HR-stuff, but then that means that all this schooling is for naught. It's all about Lifestyle vs. The Dream.

My wonderful mom said that I have just been unlucky due to the economy, and given that I have already started lathering up my hair to wash, I need to finish up the job... at least until something better comes along. Oh, I love her metaphors!

Why I'm Falling Out of Love.

I'm at a crossroads right now, yet again. Without too many details, it involves taking a risk, and of course, guilt, worry, and possible regret. I know that life is filled with many of these types of decisions, but somehow I feel this one is bigger than any of the other ones I've had in a while.

I've fallen out of love with my dream, yet I sort of think that I have set myself up for something good. The road is not clear, and whatever my decision is could seriously mess me up down the road...

...okay, so nothing is ever THAT bad, right? I have my health and social support behind me. But I was raised to fear everything, and although I sometimes deliberately take risks to break the cycle that I've grown up learning, that fear still looms.

And fear is one mental block I will need to conquer if I am ever to become a better runner. Fear has tensed me up and inhibited my performance countless times. I think it carries over into life itself.

And guilt? Bah! Why do I always feel guilty about everything? As a psychologist by education (and trade, to an extent), I just want to be helpful to people. That really keeps me going. And when I feel that my decisions hurt or worry others that I care about, I feel like the scum of the earth. I shouldn't feel guilty. I'm not being careless. I might not always be right, but it's not like I don't think things through!

I'm young... aren't I meant to struggle? Aren't I meant to make mistakes? Don't I know that people will not abandon me if I am not always perfect?

Stay tuned for the details sometime late next week.


  1. Don't do it!!!! Here's my story - way back when (it *was* the last millenium) I was lucky. Jobs were plentiful. Pay was good. I was an EE and was finishing up my MBA in accounting. I had two choices - continue on for my PhD in Accounting (fellowship was offerred), or work for a large management consulting firm. I sit here now 20 years later thinking that I should have. After all - once that PhD was done, I would have had the same job opporunities available, academia available, and would have been able to bill out at astronomically higher rates than I can today.

    Would you stop at mile 24 of a marathon or would you just push on the last two?

  2. Thanks, Glenn! Fortunately, that's not the decision I am facing. =) No plans of jumping the school ship yet.

    Two out of my six marathons were run painfully but still completed!